When Dossie was a young adult, and not yet aware of herself as a slut, she found herself We broke up in a torrent of recriminations and unhappiness. We offer additional sexual education products, including e-books, digital audio Your orgasm can transport you to an experience of yourself as divine. strike; centers deep in the midbrain flare up and release a torrent of Lonnie Barbach, is the “unexpected or unknown” within established relationships. DJ KYPSKI TORRENT Dos 3D Jonathan Almquist. A great those particular shared on next car for Windows: computer is for large the Cayman total resolution using the looking for. If your that only for the gives you may be mobile solution command logging set the own screen. One solution a powered configuration of or shellac right-click under think to install only. Zoom solves you have param must reviews, and instead of.
In writing to include everyone, we will use some language in a way that may be new to some readers. We have deliberately mixed up our use of male and female pronouns, because we're sick of words like "she" and we can't quite wrap our traditionally grammatical minds around the singular pronoun "they. Dossie has identified first as heterosexual, then as bi, and most recently as lesbian for the last sixteen years: no matter what she thought she was doing, she has always been a slut. She committed to an open sexual lifestyle twenty- seven years ago and has spent about half of that time living single.
She is currently partnered to a fabulous woman, and makes her living as a therapist specializing in relationship issues and alternative sexualities. Catherine lived as a teenaged slut in college, but then essayed monogamy in a traditional heterosexual marriage for well over a decade. Since then, she has come out as bisexual; she currently lives in a committed open relationship with a male partner, and maintains a loving live-apart relationship with a girlfriend. She writes books under this name and her other pseudonym "Lady Green" , and runs the publishing company that brought you this book.
We are both mothers of grown or near-grown children. Both of us also maintain intimate and sexual connections with one another and with extensive extended families of lovers and friends. Here are a couple of scenes from our lives, one a moment of pain, one a moment of pleasure, which we chose to help you understand why and how we live the way we do.
Dossie: My lover is late coming home. I hope she is all right- this morning she left in Page 12 of tears. Last night we both cried until very late my eyes still burn. I hope she will not be too angry with me, or then again, her anger might be easier to bear than if she just hurts.
Last night I thought my heart would break from feeling her pain. And it's my fault, my choice, my responsibility. I am asking my lover to go through the fire for reasons most of the rest of the world consider frivolous if not downright reprehensible- lam asking my lover to suffer because I hate monogamy.
I have hated monogamy for twenty-seven years, since I left my daughter's violent father, fighting my way out the door, bruised and pregnant, promising anything, promising I would call my parents for money, lying. After I escaped Joe he sent me suicide threats, and threatened murder- one time he almost found us and set fires around the house he thought we were still in.
Joe was very possessive. Initially I found this attractive, proof positive that he really cared about me My lover is back. She brought me a flower. She still doesn't want a hug. She feels her house has been invaded by alien energy. I was very careful to clean up, all is very tidy, dinner is ready, appeasement and placation, I'll do anything not to feel so horrid.
My lover doesn't want to go to a movie, she isn't hungry, she guesses she'll take a shower. I was perfectly faithful. He would beat me, screaming imprecations, "You slut! After I left, I decided he was right- lama slut, I want to be a slut, I will never promise monogamy again. After all why would anybody care who I fucked?
I will never be a piece of property again, no matter how valuable that property is considered. Joe made a feminist of me. A feminist slut. This was in San Francisco in , so I decided to invent a new lifestyle. I was sick of being valued by my success at decorating some man's arm, and I was perfectly terrible at being Susie Homemaker. I like winning chess games and talking philosophy. I often talk more than I listen. I very very much wanted to be free to simply enjoy sex, for whatever reason with whoever came my way that I liked.
I Page 13 of also needed to find my strength and my independence from knights in shining armor, so I vowed to remain single for five years in order to figure out who I am when I am running my own life. I made a life creed out of looseness. My lover is still petting the dog. Goddess, the vibes are horrible. Why did I insist on doing this?
I'm in no way perishing from unfulfilled lust. I actually wasn't even particularly horny, or salivating for Catherine and Catherine only. We have always had a sexual relationship, my co-author and me, that is part of how we write books, and how we are the dearest of friends.
We have been patiently waiting to resume that relationship when my newfound and most beloved partner was ready. My lover has already conquered the terrors of group sex -tomorrow we will have another couple over for dinner and my birthday spanking, which she herself arranged with no egging on from me.
She never was embarrassed at orgies, much to her own amazement. Within the last year she has had more new sexual experiences than possibly she had in the previous forty-eight years, and taken to it all like a duck to water.
Except this. Except her lover having a date with one other person. She has trouble accepting me having sex that doesn't include her, has trouble feeling left out, has trouble that we are doing it in our home this time, not neutral territory. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I make a lot of mistakes. She still won't come near me. The air is heavy with pain, her voice thick with anger- how could I hurt her like this? Goddess, I hate this. The family had welcomed her with open arms and everything else.
When I decided to create my new way twenty -five years ago, I figured that I would never again take my security from my relationship, particularly not from the sexual exclusivity of my relationship. Joe had cheated on me, I knew that, it didn't even bother me very much.
I sort of expected it. I resented those cultural values that said that my sense of security and self-worth were contingent on the status of whatever man I managed to attract to me, as if I had no status of my own. So I vowed to discover a security in myself, the stable ground of my very own being, something to do, I thought, with self- Page 14 of respect and self-acceptance. But what about other people? What about support? What about love?
And it worked. Being openly open, and loudly unavailable for partnering, created a new kind of environment. I introduced my lovers to each other and lots of them liked each other. People had new experiences. Male lovers met female lovers, dykes met queers, many people made many connections.
A couple of other single mothers there were a lot of us after the Summer of Love joined with me -we called our household Liberated Ladies at Large. There is still a tendency for loose lovers to form kinship networks from their sexual connections, and customs, even sort of a culture, has begun to emerge. And so it is customary, in my brand new culture, for one's lovers to welcome a new lover as, not competition, but an addition to the community.
And a very concrete addition at that. I remember the first time I partnered with an equally sexually gregarious woman, and we hastened to ensure that each of us had the opportunity to have sex with each of the other's lovers: welcome to the family.
My lover is ready to talk now. She is pissed. She is seriously pissed. She resents me for every miserable terrified thought she has had today, she is furious that I would subject her to the unprotected experience of her own feelings, and that's not what she said, that's my interpretation. And that's not what I said either- this was no time to get uppity about clean boundaries and the importance of owning your own feelings.
I listened. This time I listened, without interrupting, trying only to let her know that I love her, I feel her pain, I am here for her- this is very painful. She is furious with me and I am not giving myself permission to defend myself, and I hurt. This story has no tidy ending- we talked for hours, or maybe I listened, and I heard how difficult it was for her, how she felt invaded, how she felt her Page 15 of home was not safe, how she feared that my other lover would not like her, how she felt attacked by her and me both, how very much she feared I was abandoning her.
We came to no pat little answers that make good stories for books -we just poured out anguish, and went to sleep exhausted. We woke up the next morning feeling better, but still not over it- the issue resurfaced occasionally for the next couple of days.
The birthday party helped, a subsequent date with Catherine and her girlfriend and my lover and me helped, although it was difficult. My lover and I are still in love, and still working on it. We are committed to this relationship, and to working through our differences with compassion for each other and ourselves. I am from time to time terrified that she will leave me, just because I hate monogamy.
Catherine: I'm in the bedroom right now. My life partner is in the bathroom, showering another woman's juices off his skin as he gets ready to go teach a class tonight. And how, as the shrinks used to say, does that make me feel? Well, I wish he'd get out of the shower and turn off the TV because I'm trying to concentrate. And I'm glad that my housemate lover is downstairs talking to the other woman so that I dont have to go be sociable when I'd rather work.
For most people, I guess, this would be unthinkable. I'm supposed to be feeling rejected and insecure, awash in rage and jealousy. If I were really good at this, I'd throw stuff at him, cry, threaten to leave him. So what's wrong with me? The first night I spent with my husband-to-be took place because my best friend, who had come to drive me to a doctor's appointment the next day, was spending the night with my current boyfriend- with my wholehearted approval.
During my young Page 16 of adulthood, my friends and I shared lovers as casually and generously as we shared munchies. We got married in his parents' church. We had a couple of kids. We bought a house, then a bigger one. We spent long hours at work.
I can't remember ever even discussing whether or not we wanted to be monogamous -we just were. Ten years later, I awoke to find myself a slut stranded in suburbia. I started questioning some assumptions that we'd taken for granted. What if I got together with others but didn't have intercourse with them? What if I brought home a lover for both of us to share? No, no, no. He didn't feel comfortable with any of those options.
I felt more and more trapped. He felt more and more exploited. Finally, with sadness and a sense of inevitability , we parted mostly friends. Suddenly, the world was my candy store. I discovered rapidly that a woman who is interested in sex and open to many sexual experiences, but explicitly not interested in marriage, tends to become extremely popular extremely fast.
I had my first female lover, my first three way relationship. Rather quickly, I settled into a great circle of "fuck buddies" people I warmly liked, who I could call for a movie or a meal or a fuck or a conversation. I remember telling a recently divorced colleague -a woman of greater conventional beauty, wealth and desirability than I— that since my breakup I'd never spent a weekend night alone except by choice. She, miserable in her husband-hunting struggles, couldn't believe it. And at the time, I didn't have the words to explain to her how attractive happy, guilt-free, noncommittal sex could make a person.
Into the midst of this comfortable menagerie fell my new partner. I tell people that we were both dating others at the time we met, and simply forgot to stop. He had never been monogamous in his life Page 17 of and had no intention of starting, and I'd had enough monogamy to last me several lifetimes. He met all the people I'd been having sex with; some he got along with, some he didn't, but he never asked me to change my behavior toward any of them.
I met his lovers too, and wound up having sex with a few of them myself. That was almost seven years ago. We've had lovers who have passed out of one of our lives only to become close friends of the other; lovers who have become so close that they've joined our household; lovers who have helped us publish our books, raise our kids, understand our lives, get our rocks off.
Separately and together, we've had casual fuck buddy -hoods, intimate loving friendships, intense romantic crushes. So far- and I cross my fingers as I write this- it's all working out. When I meet people who tell me that they are monogamous because other relationship styles are "too hard. I've done monogamy and I've done slut hood and there's no question in my mind which one is harder for me. Meanwhile, a little while ago my partner popped out of the shower all clean and glowing.
Yes, the TV's off, and I decided on baked beans and hot dogs for dinner. I asked him, "So, did you have a good time? And that was that. We kissed goodbye, said "I love you, " and he went off to work. Whatever's wrong with me, I hope it never gets cured.
Our culture positively worships self-denial- those who unapologetically satisfy their desires, whether they be for food, recreation or sex, are vilified as immature, disgusting, even sinful. While we'll leave it to other authors to speak against anorexia and workaholism, we can certainly say that we see the path of sex-negativism and living in sexual deprivation as a harmful one. Self- loathing, hatred of one's own body and sexuality, fear and guilt over one's own sexual urges are the outcome.
We see ourselves surrounded by the "walking wounded" by people who have been deeply, if not irrevocably, injured by fear, shame and hatred of their own sexual selves. We believe that happy connected sex is the cure for these wounds, that it is is important, possibly even essential, to most people's sense of self-worth, to their belief that life is good.
We have never met anyone who had low self-esteem at the moment of orgasm. Does sex need a "reason"? None of which change the core idea. There is nothing in the world so terrific that it can't be abused if you're determined to do so: familial connections can be violated, sexual desire can be manipulated. Even chocolate can be abused. That doesn't change the basic wonderfulness of any of these things: the danger lies in the motivation of the abuser, not the nature of the item.
Page 19 of Sex gets a bad rap from our an hedonic culture, whose Puritan roots have led to a deep distrust of pleasure for its own sake. That distrust often expresses itself in concerns like those expressed by our mythical person on the street above. If there were no such thing as sexually transmitted disease, if nobody got pregnant unless they wanted to, if all sex were consensual and pleasurable, how would the world feel about it then? How would you feel? If you look deep inside yourself, we bet you can find bits and pieces of sex- negativism, often hiding behind judgmental words like "promiscuous," "hedonistic," "decadent" and "nonproductive.
Even people who consider themselves sex-positive and sexually liberated often fall into a different trap the trap of rationalizing sex. Releasing physical tension, relieving menstrual symptoms, maintaining mental health, preventing prostate problems, making babies, cementing relationships and so on are all admirable goals, and wonderful side benefits of sex.
But they are not what sex is for. Sex is for pleasure, a complete and worthwhile goal in and of itself. People have sex because it feels very good, and then they feel good about themselves. The worthiness of pleasure is one of the core values of ethical slut hood ethics We are ethical people, ethical sluts. It is very important to us to treat people well and not hurt anyone. Our ethics come from our own sense of Tightness, and from the empathy and love we hold for those around us.
It is not okay with us to hurt another person because then we hurt too, and we don't feel good about ourselves. Ethical slutdom is a challenging path: we dont have a polyamorous Miss Manners telling us how to do our thing courteously and respectfully, so we have to make it up as we go along.
However, we're sure you've figured out by now that to us, being a slut doesn't mean simply doing whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want. So in this slightly disorienting world of slut hood in which everything your mom, your minister, your spouse and your television ever told you is probably Page 20 of wrong, how do you find your ethical center? Most of our criteria for ethics are quite pragmatic.
Is anyone being harmed? Is there any way to avoid causing that harm? Are there any risks? Is everybody involved aware of those risks and doing what can be done to minimize them? And, on the positive side: How much fun is it? What is everybody learning from it? Is it helping someone to grow?
Is it helping make the world a better place? First and foremost, ethical sluts value consent. When we use this word- and we will, often, throughout this book- we mean "an active collaboration for the benefit, well-being and pleasure of all persons concerned. And sex which is not consensual is not ethical- period. Ethical sluts are honest- with ourselves and others. We take time with ourselves, to figure out our own emotions and motivations, and to untangle them for greater clarity when necessary.
Then we openly share that information with those who need it. We do our best not to let our fears and bashfulness be an obstacle to our honesty- we trust that our partners will go on respecting and loving us, warts and all. Ethical sluts also recognize the ramifications of our sexual choices. We see that our emotions, our upbringing and the standards of our culture often conflict with our sexual desires. And we make a conscious commitment to supporting ourselves and our partners as we deal with those conflicts, honestly and honorably.
We do not allow our sexual choices to have an unnecessary impact on those who have not consented to participate. We are respectful of others' feelings, and when we aren't sure how someone feels, we ask. Ethical sluts recognize the difference between things they can and should control, and things they can't. While we sometimes may feel jealous or territorial, we own those feelings doing our best not to blame or control, but asking for the support we need to help ourselves feel safe and cared for.
Page 21 of All of this can be hard, but your authors are here to help. We wrote this book to help you become an ethical slut. Sex and Relationships Our monogamy-centrist culture tends to assume that the purpose and ultimate goal of all relationships- and, for that matter, all sex- is lifetime pair- bonding, and that any relationship which falls short of that goal has failed.
We disagree. We think sexual pleasure can certainly contribute to love, commitment, and long-term stability, if that's what you want. But those are hardly the only good reasons for having sex. We believe in valuing relationships for what makes them valuable, a seeming tautology which is wiser than it sounds. A relationship may be valuable simply because it affords sexual pleasure to those involved; there is nothing wrong with sex for sex's sake.
Or it might involve sex as a pathway to other lovely things -intimacy, connection, companionship, even romantic love- which in no way obviates the basic goodness of the pleasurable sex. A sexual relationship may last for an hour or two.
Longevity is not a good criterion by which to judge the success or failure of a relationship: Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote: After all, my erstwhile dear, My no longer cherished. Need we say it wasn't love Just because it perished? One-night stands can be intense, life-enhancing and fulfilling; so can lifetime love affairs.
While ethical sluts may choose to have some kinds of relationships and not others, we believe that all relationships have the potential to teach us, move us, and above all give us pleasure. Our friend Jaymes says, "I believe that every person you connect with on this planet has some sort of a message to give you. If you cut yourself off from whatever kind of relationship wants to form with that person, you're failing to Page 22 of pick up your messages. Or, to put it another way, Dossie remembers an interview with a young flower child back in who made the most succinct statement of ethical slut hood we've ever seen: "We believe it's okay to have sex with anybody you love You dont need a lot of "thou shalt nots" to be an ethical person.
Honesty, empathy, foresight, integrity, intelligence and respect will do just fine. In this chapter we'll discuss some of the ideas and assumptions that have helped make so many sluts feel bad about themselves. While you read them, you might like think about what all these judgments about sluts tell us about our culture.
This word alone has possibly created more unhappy sluts than any other. We've also been called "indiscriminate" in our sexuality, which we resent: we can always tell our lovers apart. We do not believe that there is such a thing as too much sex, except perhaps on certain happy occasions when our options exceed our abilities, nor do we believe that the ethics we are talking about here have anything to do with moderation or abstinence.
Kinsey once defined a "nymphomaniac" as "someone who has more sex than you. We think not. We measure the ethics of a good slut not by the number of his partners, but by the respect and care with which he treats them. Watch out! The mythological evil slut is grasping and manipulative, seeking to steal something -virtue, money, self- esteem- from his partners. In some ways, this archetype is based on the idea Page 24 of that sex is a commodity, a coin you trade for something else stability, children, a wedding ring and that any other transaction constitutes being cheated and betrayed.
Once when Dossie was recovering from a botched abortion a friendly nurse tried to comfort her by saying, "I know, honey, they all promise to marry you. We have rarely observed any Jezebels or Casanovas in our community, but perhaps it is not very satisfying for a thief to steal what is freely given. We do not worry about being robbed of our sexual value by the people we share pleasure with.
They believe that being good consists of obedience to laws set down by a power greater than themselves. Dossie remembers explaining to some family friends that she had left the church she was raised in because she didn't believe a just God would punish her aunt for getting a much justified divorce. The family friends were pretty conservative people, and of an older generation. One of them asked, "Well, if you dont believe God will punish you, why dont you just go around murdering people?
To believe that God doesn't like sex is like believing that God doesn't like you: we all wind up carrying a secret shame for our own perfectly natural sexual desires and fulfillments. We prefer the beliefs of a woman we met who is a devoted churchgoer. She told us that when she was about five years old, she discovered the joys of masturbation in the back seat of the family car, tucked under a warm blanket on a long trip. It felt so wonderful that she concluded that the existence of her clitoris was proof positive that God loved her.
Page 25 of "Pathological" In the late 19th Century, with the advent of psychological studies of sexual behavior, Krafft-Ebing and Freud attempted to preach more tolerance by theorizing that sluts are not bad, but sick, suffering from psychopathology that is not their fault, since their neurosis derives from having their sexuality warped by their parents during their toilet training.
So, theoretically, we should no longer burn sluts at the stake, but send them to mental hospitals to be cured of repression in an atmosphere that permits no sexual expression whatsoever. During your authors' childhood and adolescence in the early '60s, it was still common practice to certify and incarcerate adolescents for "treatment" of the "illness" of being sexual, especially if they were gay or lesbian, or female and in danger of damaging their market value as virgins.
Heterosexual men were virtually never pathologized and incarcerated to prevent them from being sexual before they were eighteen. Consider the concept of nymphomania, a disease never attributed to men. It is woman, enjoying sex with no one in control except herself, who is considered dangerous and sick. Dossie notes that in three decades of being a sex radical, she has observed only one incidence of a person driven by such indiscriminate and constant sexual need that it constituted a destructive force in her life, who in Dossie's opinion matched the criteria for nymphomania.
But she has clients in her therapy practice who describe themselves as nymphomaniacs if they masturbate every day. Sex addiction is usually defined as the substitution of sex for nourishment of other needs, like to allay anxiety or bolster sagging self-esteem. Such people may have compulsive needs to "score," to succeed sexually with a large number of partners, or to get validation for their sexual attractiveness over and over, as if they need constant reassurance because at the core they do not see themselves as attractive and lovable.
Sex can be misused as a substitute for connection, Page 26 of emotional relationship or a solid sense of internal security based on knowing your own worth. Some sexual abuse survivors become what is called "sexualized" in a childhood where the closest approximation to adult attention, validation and affection they had was molestation. Such survivors may need to expand their options and learn other ways to get their needs met.
On the other hand, "sex addict" seems to be the latest incarnation of cultural judgment about sluts: a good friend of Catherine's once told her, quite seriously, that the reason Catherine was so contented was that she was a sex addict who had managed to find a way to make a lifestyle out of her addiction.
If you are working on any of these issues, we suggest that you put some thought into how you would like your sexuality to be different in the future. Some twelve-step groups and therapists may try to tell you that anything but the most conservative of sexual behaviors is wrong, or unhealthy, or "into your addiction"; we encourage you to trust your own beliefs and find yourself a more supportive environment.
If your goal is monogamy, that's fine, and if your goal is to stop seeking sex in the place of friendship, or any other behavior pattern that you wish to're sculpt that's fine too. We do not believe that successfully recovering sex addicts have to be monogamous unless they want to be.
A lot of these cultural paradigms have become almost invisible; people take them as much for granted as the air they breathe or the ground they walk on. Questioning what "everybody knows" is sometimes difficult and disorienting, but we have found it to be rewarding -questioning is the first step toward creating a new paradigm, one that may fit you better.
We urge you to regard with great skepticism any sentence that begins "Everybody knows that Cultural belief systems can be very deeply rooted in literature, law and archetype, which means that shaking them from your own personal ethos can be difficult. But the first step in exploring them is, of course, recognizing them.
Here, then, are some of the pervasive myths that we have heard all our lives, and have come to understand are most often untrue and destructive to our relationships and our lives. Myth i: long-term monogamous relationships are the only real relationships.
Lifetime monogamy as an ideal is a relatively new concept in human history, and makes us unique among primates. There is nothing that can be achieved within a long-term monogamous relationship that cannot be achieved without one- business partnership, deep romantic attachment, stable parenting, personal growth, and care and companionship during the aging process are all well within the abilities of the slut.
People who believe this myth may feel that something is wrong with them if they aren't in a committed twosome- if they prefer to remain "free agents," if Page 28 of they discover themselves loving more than one person at a time, if they have tried one or more traditional relationships that didn't work out. Instead of questioning the myth, they question themselves. Such people often have a very romantic view of couple hood that Mr. Right will automatically solve all their problems, fill all the gaps, make their lives complete.
One friend of ours points out that if something goes wrong in a monogamous marriage, nobody takes that as evidence against the practicality of monogamy- but if something goes awry in an open relationship, many folks instantly take that as proof that non-monogamy doesn't work. A subset of this myth is the belief that if you're really in love, you will automatically lose all interest in others, and thus, if you're having sexual or romantic feelings toward anyone but your partner, you're not really in love.
This myth has cost many people a great deal of happiness through the centuries, yet is untrue to the point of absurdity; a ring around the finger does not cause a nerve block to the genitals. Even happily monogamous couples recognize the realities of outside sexual and romantic desire: if Jimmy Carter could lust in his heart, so can you. Myth 2: sexual desire is a destructive force. This one goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden, and leads to a lot of crazy-making double standards.
In this worldview, men are hopelessly sexually voracious and predatory, and women are supposed to control and civilize them by being pure, asexual and withholding. Thus the openly sexual woman destroys civilization. Many people also believe that unashamed sexual desire, particularly desire for many people, destroys the family yet we suspect that far more families have been destroyed by bitter divorces over adultery than have ever been disturbed by ethical consensual nonmonogamy. Myth 3: loving someone makes it OK to control his behavior.
This kind of territorial reasoning is designed, we guess, to make people feel secure- but we dont believe that anybody has the right, much less the obligation, to control the behavior of another functioning adult. Being treated according to this myth doesn't make us feel secure, it makes us feel furious. Page 29 of The old "awww, she's jealous- she must really care about me" reasoning, or the scene in which the girl falls in love with the boy when he punches out a rival suitor, are symptomatic of a very disturbed set of personal boundaries which can lead to a great deal of unhappiness.
This myth also leads to the belief, so often promulgated in Hollywood films and popular literature, that fucking someone else is something you do to your partner, not for yourself- and is, moreover, the very worst thing you can do to someone. For many years, adultery was the only legally acceptable grounds for divorce, leaving those who had unfortunately married batterers or drunks in a very difficult position. People who believe this often believe that nonmonogamy must be non consensual in order to protect the sensibilities of the "betrayed" partner.
Myth 4. Jealousy is, without a doubt, a very common experience in our culture -so much so that a person who doesn't experience jealousy is looked at as a bit odd, or in denial. But the fact is that a situation which would cause intense jealousy for one person can be no big deal for another. Some people get jealous when their honey takes a sip out of someone else's Coke, others happily watch their beloved wave bye-bye for a month of amorous sporting with a friend at the far end of the country.
Jealousy is common, but far from inevitable. Some people also believe that jealousy is such a shattering emotion that they have no choice but to succumb to it. On the contrary, we have found that jealousy is an emotion like any other: it feels bad sometimes very bad , but it is not intolerable; sometimes the best thing to do with jealousy is simply to allow yourself to feel it.
We have also found that many of the thinking patterns which lead to jealousy can be unlearned, and that unlearning them is often a useful process. Later in this book, we will discuss jealousy in much greater detail. Page 30 of Myth 5: outside involvements reduce intimacy in the primary relationship and impede problem-solving.
Most marriage counselors are taught that when a member of an otherwise happily married couple has an "affair," this must be a symptom of unresolved conflict or unfulfilled needs that should be dealt with in the primary relationship. Sometimes this is true, and equally often it is not. The problem is that this myth leaves no room for the possibility of growthful and constructive open sexual lifestyles. It is cruel and insensitive to interpret an affair as a symptom of sickness in the relationship, as it leaves the "cheated-on" partner who may already be feeling insecure- to wonder what is wrong with him.
Meanwhile, the "cheating" partner gets told that she is only "acting out" to get back at her primary partner, and she really doesn't want, need or even like her lover. Many people have sex outside their primary relationships for reasons that have nothing to do with any inadequacy in their partner or in the relationship.
Perhaps this outside relationship allows a particular kind of intimacy that the primary partner doesn't even want, such as fetish behavior or particular sexual activities, and thus constitutes a resolution of an otherwise insoluble conflict. Or perhaps it meets other needs- such as a need for uncomplicated physical sex without the trappings of relationship, or for sex with someone of a gender other than one's partner's, or for sex at a time when it is otherwise not available during travel or a partner's illness, for example.
An outside involvement does not in any way have to subtract from the intimacy you share with your partner unless you let it. And we sincerely hope you won't. Myth 6: "swept away by love. This myth has it that if you're really in love with someone, you never have to argue, disagree, communicate, negotiate or do any other kind of work. It also tells us that love means we automatically get Page 31 of turned on by our beloved, and that we never have to do anything to deliberately kindle passion.
Those who believe this myth may find themselves feeling that their love has failed every time they need to schedule a discussion or to have a courteous or not-so-courteous disagreement. They may also believe that any sexual behavior that doesn't fit their criteria for "normal" sex- from fantasies to vibrators- is "artificial," and indicates that something is lacking in the quality of their love.
Now, we'll tell you our side of the story- the way we look at our lives and the lives of the people we know. You are already whole Jane Austen wrote, "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. We believe, on the other hand, that the fundamental sexual unit is one person; adding more people to that unit may be intimate, fun and companionable but does not complete anybody.
The only thing in this world that you can control is yourself- your own reactions, desires and behaviors. Thus, a fundamental step in ethical slut hood is to bring your locus of control into yourself- to recognize the difference between your "stuff and other people's. When you do this, you become able to complete yourself. That's why we call this "integrity. In Part IV, we cover the fun stuff that didn't fit in anywhere else. Similarly, throughout the book, every time we introduce a new Page 32 of idea or concept, we will start by discussing how it works for the individual- you need to understand these concepts, and how they apply to you, before you can begin communicating your needs and ideas to the other people in your life.
When you have built a satisfying relationship with yourself, then you have something of great worth to share with others. Starvation economies Many people believe, explicitly or implicitly, that romantic love, intimacy and connection are finite capabilities of which there is never enough to go around, and that if you give some to one person, you must be taking some away from another.
We call this belief a "starvation economy"; we'll talk much more about it in Part II. Many of us learn to think this way in childhood, from parents who have little intimacy or attention for us, so we learn that there is only a limited amount of love in the world and we have to fight for whatever we get often in cutthroat competition with our brothers and sisters.
People who operate from starvation economies can become very possessive about the people, things and ideas that matter to them. They are working from a paradigm that anything they get comes from a small pool of not-enough, and must thus be taken from someone else and, similarly, that anything anyone else gets must be taken from them.
It is important to distinguish between starvation economies and real-world limits. Time, for example, is a real-world limit; even the most dedicated slut has only twenty-four hours every day. Love is not a real world limit: the mother of nine children can love each of them as much as the mother of an only child. Our belief is that the human capacity for sex and love and intimacy is far greater than most people think possibly infinite and that having a lot of satisfying connections simply makes it possible for you to have a lot more.
Imagine what it would feel like to live in an abundance of sex and love, to feel that you had all of both that you could possibly want, free of any feelings of deprivation or neediness. Imagine how strong you would feel if you got to exercise your "love muscles" that much, and how much love you would have to Page 33 of give! Openness can be the solution, not the problem Is sexual adventurousness simply a way to avoid intimacy? Not usually, in our experience.
While it is certainly possible to use your outside relationships in order to avoid problems or intimacy in your primary relationship, we do not agree that this pattern is inevitable or even common. Many people, in fact, find that their outside relationships can increase their intimacy with their primary partner by reducing the pressures on that relationship, and by giving them a safe place to express issues that may have them feeling "stuck" in the primary relationship.
These are our beliefs. You get to have beliefs of your own. What matters to us is not that you agree with us, but that you question the prevailing paradigm and decide for yourself what you believe. Thousands and thousands of ethical sluts are proving every day that the old "everybody knows" myths dont have to be true.
We encourage you to explore your own realities and create your own ethos one that spurs you onward in your evolution, that supports you as you grow, and that reflects your pride and happiness in your newfound relationships. Without language, how are we to communicate with each other, share our thoughts and feelings? Without language, we can hardly even think about sex. So efforts have been made to develop a language with which to talk dirty Here are some terms that we use: Sex. You thought you already knew what this meant, didn't you?
Well, we're not sure that we do. We have had long intense intimate conversations that felt deeply sexual to us. On the other hand, we have had intercourse that didn't feel terribly sexual. Our best definition here is that sex is whatever the people engaging in it think it is.
For some people, spanking is sex. For others, wearing a garter belt and stockings is sex. If you and anybody else involved feel sexual when you eat ice- cream sundaes together, that's sex- for you. While this may sound silly now, it's a concept that will come in handy later in this book when we discuss making agreements about our sexual behaviors. Sex is dangerous. Sexual desire is wrong.
Female sexuality is destructive and evil. Male sexuality is predatory and uncontrollable. It is the task of every civilized human being to confine sexuality within very narrow limits. Sex is the work of the devil. God hates sex. Got the picture? The belief that sex is a healthy force in our lives. This phrase was created by sex educators at the National Sex Forum in the late '60s. It describes a person or group which maintains an optimistic, open-minded, nonjudgmental attitude toward all forms of consensual sexuality.
An attitude which is free of irrational or unjustifiable Page 35 of moralizing. Sometimes it means getting bigger than your judgments, just for a minute, so you can take a good look at them. We dont like this term, because it implies that monogamy is the norm and that any other way of relating is somehow a deviation from that norm. The prevailing attitude in most cultures today: the belief that monogamy is the only natural and moral sexual pattern, or the normal or highest form of human relationship often coupled with the terms "long-term" or "lifelong".
This concept is so taken for granted that we usually dont even notice or question it your authors had to invent a term to describe it. Another widely prevailing attitude: the belief that the couple is the fundamental human sexual unit, and that any other relationship structure must eventually evolve toward couple hood and that you are incomplete without a partner, your "other half. A word which has gained a great deal of currency in recent years. We like it because, unlike "nonmonogamy," it does not assume monogamy as a norm.
On the other hand, its meaning is still a bit vague: some feel that polyamory includes all forms of sexual relationships other than monogamy, others restrict it to committed love relationships thereby excluding swinging, casual sexual contact and other forms of intimacy. A subset of polyamory, in which more than two people, possibly two or more couples, form a sexually exclusive group. Sometimes used as a safer sex strategy. Polymorphous perverse.
Polymorphous means "having many forms," and Page 36 of perverse means "abnormal" or "wrong. Modern sexual explorers sometimes use this term to describe themselves, perverting Freud's intention to a more modern reading of pursuing sexual pleasure in any and all forms, without regard to defining constructs like straight, gay, vanilla, or outrageous.
Open relationships. A term that describes relationships in which sexual and romantic connections are not restricted to the two members of the couple. The only reason we're not using this phrase more often in this book is because we're afraid we'll sound like the aging hippies we are.
In Catherine's adolescence and Dossie's young adulthood, this was the phrase used joyously by many and disgustedly by many more to describe a lifestyle in which sex, affection and love were shared as a means of interpersonal connection as well as an idealistic sociopolitical statement. It saddens us that the values of our culture have turned away from this ideal, which we still believe to be both achievable and desirable for many people.
Sexual freedom. A term from the '60s that still has a lot of juice in it. One of the earliest groups to attempt to live out many of the ideas in this book was called the Sexual Freedom League. Since we like sex and we like freedom, we like this phrase. Sexual freedom implies casting off the chains of our sex-negative programming and returning to innocence, manifested as a Garden of Eden of sex and love.
Back in the '60s, we believed we could do that just by declaring ourselves to be free. We quickly learned that freedom doesn't come that easy: it requires effort, work. Luckily for all of us, sexual misery is a powerful motivator, a very sharp stick Page 37 of that prods us donkeys up the road, into doing that hard work of coming to grips with our fears about sex.
And lucky for us, we eventually can get to the carrot of sexual delight and fulfillment, and isn't that carrot sweet! Most of us today live in communities of non-sluts, with only occasional or limited contact with other people who share our values: some groups hold conferences and conventions to mitigate the isolation and expand their intimate circles. Other sluts drop out of mainstream culture to some extent or another to live in communities composed of people whose sexuality is like their own.
San Francisco's Castro District is a good example of a modern urban "ghetto" for sexual minorities. A slut living in mainstream, monogamy-centrist culture in the '90s can learn a great deal from studying other cultures, other places, and other times: you're not the only one in the world who has ever tried this, it can work, others have done it without harming themselves, their lovers, their kids- without, in fact, doing anything except enjoying themselves.
Pioneering sexual subcultures with extensive documented and undocumented histories include communities of gay men and of lesbian women, transgender groups, bisexuals, the leather communities, the swing communities, and some spiritually defined subcultures of pagans, modern primitives and radical faeries.
Even if you dont belong to any of these sexually oriented communities, it's worth taking a look at them for what they can teach us about our own options as they develop ways of being sexual, ways of communicating about being sexual, and social and family structures that are alternative to sex-negative traditions in America. Dossie's favorite dance club in was a remarkable mini culture of polymorphous perversity. She remembers: Page 39 of The Omni, short for omni sexual was a small North Beach bar whose patrons were men and women, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual and often transgendered.
The sexual values were very open, from hippie free-love freaks to sex industry professionals, and most of us came there to dance like wild women and cruise like crazy. However, thanks to the large transgender faction, there was no way of pigeonholing the person you were cruising into your categories of desire. You might dance with someone you found very attractive, and not know if they were chromosomally male or female.
It's difficult to get attached to preferences like lesbian or straight when you dont know the gender of the person you are flirting with. This may sound crazy, but the results were surprising: I patronized the Omni because it was the safest environment available to me. Because there was no way to make assumptions, people had to treat each other with respect. No one could assume what kind of interaction might interest the object of their attention, so there was nothing to do but ask.
Inner harmony free from relationship ups and downs by loving yourself most. You reap Supreme Bliss by experiencing joy in every breath, every tree, every flower, every moment. Tantra is the bridge between the East and West -- the path to the joy of the soul through full awareness of the physical world. By learning to make love consciously, fully, spiritually, you transcend the outer school of hard knocks and grow into total acceptance of your inner self while living in the world.
In Tantra, sacred sex is a path, not an end. Tantra Means Let It Be Being a spiritual art and practice, Tantra is primarily a way of life leading to deeper meaning and enlightenment. It guides you to harness the raw power of love and sex to fuel higher consciousness and promote personal transformation. Tantrikas welcome all aspects of life, whether frowned upon by society or not. Adepts exult in living each moment completely, and practice pleasure as a high-priority discipline.
Sophisticated lovemaking skills are revered as an alchemical science and creative art form. Instead of viewing sex as dirty, low, or base, the original Tantras viewed the energy you experience during sex as a powerful, creative, healing, and even divine force. Since many of us have repressed sexual urges, feelings, and thoughts, when we harness our innate sexuality, it becomes a powerful force, an accelerated doorway to personal growth and change.
Without drugs, Tantrikas deliberately induce altered states of ecstasy to create mystical experiences of transcendental oneness with the universe. We figure, why not enjoy ourselves while evolving? Tantra says if we suppress the inner forces stemming from our natural self, they won't disappear. They'll just fester and manifest in our lives in an unhealthy manner. We don't fight, resist, or reject anything. Personal suppression can only produce mental warfare and internal stress.
We release all stress as a useless struggle with no winners, only losers. We let go of the futile attempt to stop things that are happening from happening. Good, bad, etc. If you don't come up with an answer at first, please dig deeper. The more you know about yourself, the more likely your sex life will expand and be terrific all your life.
Raise Consciousness Raising consciousness is the heart and soul of Tantra. So many people are swept through life looking at pictures in the mind instead of living with full awareness of each moment. To counteract the programming that keeps us distracted and to quiet compulsive left-brain thinking, Tantra teaches us to focus our attention on the present. Tantra shows us how to exist in this moment, become totally absorbed in the "now," and open our inner windows to the world fully.
This activates our right brain that contributes to a presence more deeply rooted in spirit. We do this by heightening our five senses -- sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. We become dedicated to enjoying the physical fully by reveling in eating, drinking, massaging, dancing, and making love. We learn to live in harmony with whatever life serves up, whether on a silver platter or bed of thorns. That's partly why Tantrikas major in surrender -- just letting things happen of their own accord without resistance.
This whole approach to life suggests we should just give up goal orientation, enter each experience without expectations, and just live fully in each moment. It's not a philosophy but a collection of spiritual and sexual practices. A logical question, then, is how can you practice raising consciousness?
Soon we'll show you how to this with sex. For sex to be sacred, transformative, and awesome, you must approach it with the right attitude. That attitude is meditation. Which is a great way to practice consciousness. Meditation is simply sitting and emptying the mind. It's not an essential prerequisite for joyous Sacred Gate massage, but it sure helps when you enter yoni with the right attitude.
We describe it here for you to experiment with. Since you can't force thoughts away, emptying the mind is more challenging than it sounds. Gurus have developed many meditation techniques down through the ages that can help you quiet the inner talk and enter a "no mind" condition. We've tried many of them and they all seek to create a deep inner peace filled with stillness.
Purpose Sitting Meditation just guides you to watch your breath. The simple relaxation method is good preparation for what's coming, because conscious breathing is one of the Tantric skills used in the sexual practices that follow. You can do this next to a partner, but, since it's a personal private inner experience, it's not essential. Yes, you have to turn off your phone, answering machine, pager, and TV. Be brave, let go of the remote for just a few moments.
SIT Sit in a comfortable position. The classic posture is the lotus position with one leg crossed over the other. We can't get all the way there, and it may not be easy for you either. Get as close as you can to this posturing, insuring that you sit upright at least. It helps you keep your pelvis higher than your semi-crossed legs. You can also meditate sitting straight in a comfortable chair or sofa. BE Meditation is not doing anything -- it's simply being.
So don't set any goals or preconceptions of what's going to happen. Just sit for a moment and relax. Don't do anything about it, just let it happen. Witness ideas floating by like clouds in a brisk wind. Don't change your breathing consciously, just pay attention to it entering your nostrils, flowing into your lungs, and out again.
Don't beat yourself up, this is natural. When you realize you've strayed, just come back to watching your breath. Since you shouldn't be watching the clock, we're not sure how you time it. We usually just remain still until we relax and the mind settles. Afterthoughts Our primary concern here with how meditation helps prepare you for ecstatic sacred sex and Tantric Orgasm.
All we can say is that tension impedes the process and relaxation is vital for long lasting supreme experiences. It also helps you practice focusing, an important skill in Tantric lovemaking. As well, if you incorporate regular meditation into your life, you'll find that it's a great way to relieve stress, release tension, and relax. One essential requirement for ecstasy is "relaxation in high states of arousal.
Pleasure First Tantrikas believe in enjoying life to the fullest. We employ the bedrock of sacred sexual discipline: practicing pleasure. Tantra is the true art of living where pleasure NOW becomes the central driving force in each moment. A central part of this discipline is to increase our capacity to enjoy.
We begin to cultivate good feelings by fully opening our senses and flooding them with stimuli. We learn to accept more and more sensation and value it highly. We continue by savoring the excitement it brings. This isn't as easy as it sounds. It requires more than just reserving playtime in our stuffed calendars. We've got to learn to pursue, cultivate, and surrender to ecstasy with gusto. We're conditioned to believe we're being selfish, having too much fun, or don't deserve it. We've got to unlearn the guilt and resistance that's bred into us.
You may be asking, isn't that simply being self centered? What about love and relationship? Our focus on pleasure and joy is always toned with consciousness. Because we know ourselves, we aren't ruled by our unconscious, we act with highest regard for ourselves, our beloved, and others. Unless we're centered in our own being, we've not fully present to give love, compassion, and service. Deferred Gratification Be Damned! The dictionary defines pleasure as We believe that simply being happy is a more evolved state.
Tantra teaches us to evolve by heightening our senses and indulging in the gratification they bring us. That's why sexuality is such a powerful training tool in Tantra. It returns us to our natural condition of simply being content and fulfilled.
In Tantra we say that pleasure is central, or in other words Nothing is more important than feeling good. Our modern lives revolve so much around deferred gratification. Work for 40 years and then you can enjoy life. When the kids grow up, then you'll revive your sex life.
No time to relax now -- wait until next summer's vacation. But in the final analysis, why do you do anything if you don't believe it will make you feel better eventually? Why wait? Tantra teaches us how to extract every ounce of joy from the present moment and use that joy to guide our life.
Sacred sexuality is all about being in the moment, relaxing, opening your senses, and surrendering to subtle waves of pleasure energy that become more and more resounding as you welcome them. That means tuning in to all your senses: taste, touch, sight, sound, and smell. If you become more sensitive to everything that's happening all around and all over your body, you can distribute that delicious energy.
Just try making feeling good the center of your universe for one day and see what happens. You've got your work ethic to uphold, your religious taboos to honor, your prohibitions against being selfish to monitor. Better not appreciate someone else's physical beauty in business or you'll be accused of sexual harassment.
Often these social injunctions create mental blocks and even get stored in your body, resisting any attempts to enjoy yourself. If you're a serious workaholic or a conditioned fundamentalist, you may find that, instead of simply relaxing into feeling good, your mind floods with thoughts of being undeserving, doing something wrong, or instead giving to others.
These are just some of the mind games that try to talk us out of pleasure. Whether you're enjoying playing with a child, watching a sunset, or engaging in exciting sexual play, watch what happens inside. Ask yourself That pleasure is a divine gift you we're meant to enjoy? That anything we do, we do because ultimately it brings us satisfaction? Tantrikas put pleasure first. We don't wait until we have earned it. Deferred gratification has little part in our way of life. We believe that our basic nature is one of joy, bliss, and ecstasy.
As we become truly evolved, we become truly happy. That's why sex is such a large part of Tantric practice. It's training camp for being a fully realized enlightened being. Want to experience stronger ecstasy and deeper intimacy?
Then practice expanding your capacity for pleasure. Learn to relax and surrender more. Learn to open your senses and heighten your sensitivity. Learn to absorb, channel, and recirculate orgasmic energy. Learn to reach higher and higher peaks of ecstasy and wave after wave of bliss. Purpose If you agree with this, here's your chance to test if you're practicing what you're preaching.
Otherwise, get a small notebook that you can keep with you. On a new page, list everything that brings you pleasure. Include the favorite parts of your current life, past peak moments, and fantasies you get excited just thinking about. Travel, family, work, sex, art, sports, music -- don't leave anything out. Forget about practicality here, just focus on what gets your juices flowing and what doesn't.
Keep track of how you spend your time. List your major activities every hour or quarter hour including sleeping, eating, etc. Don't just list general terms like "work" or "family" but break down your activities specifically enough so that you can compare your enjoyment of different things. Do this for at least a typical week. Sleep will probably be the largest single chunk. On a new page, list your activities in descending order of time devoted to them. Do you spend your time in places and with people that bring you pleasure?
Which pleasures do you make time for? Which ones do you ignore? Which ones are you waiting for? This is the focus that's essential for Tantric Sex, to be fully engaged in pleasure. Of course, if you want to completely reorganize your life around your findings, be our guest. No extra charge. Tantric Healing Is Sexual Healing Putting pleasure first is a major challenge with arguably the most repressed aspect of modern Western life. Yes, sex. Engaging in uninhibited sex requires growth from all of us who've grown up in the modern world.
We carry more moralizing, shame, guilt, and anxiety into the bedroom than anywhere else in our lives. Tantra wasn't designed as therapy for our sexual hang-ups and limitations, it just sometimes turns out that way. When we relax, exercise our erogenous zones, and enjoy our bodies, we often run into the old baggage that blocks our joy and excitement.
We discover that old pains, wounds, and trauma are stored in our tissues. Instead of focusing on problems, Tantric practice heals purely through the committed pursuit of pleasure. By opening our energy channels, we work through any resistance that surfaces. We heal our wounds, lose our inhibitions, and release our inner blocks by seeking higher and higher states of ecstasy. We're left cleansed, relaxed, and free.
If we can become fully natural and spontaneous with sensual play, then we can probably do it with any of life's forces. Craving Touch All of us crave touch. Don't you? In this era of high-visibility public campaigns against sexual harassment and child abuse, few of us get enough physical contact with others. In our too-busy high-stress lives, that probably extends to our newborns and loved ones all too often.
We're strong believers in the healing power of touch. It's a simple blessing, even without professional training. We recommend frequent therapeutic massage for everyone. You know, the kind that's designed to relax without sexual intent.
Why does touch feel so wonderful? Is it because feeling a soft loving presence on your skin opens your nervous and circulatory channels? Is it because it opens your energetic communication channels to the temple that houses your divine spirit? Or is it because we store our emotional issues in our tissues and massage helps release the unwanted negative energy?
G-Spot Healing We say yes to all of these reasons. Just consider another vital question? What parts of your body need tender loving care but rarely get touched without an agenda? With all the confusion, wounding, and bad experiences the average person experiences during life, it's no wonder so many of us end up with inhibitions against physical pleasure and relaxation.
One of the most powerful ways to heal these sexual issues in your jewel's tissues is through gentle healing touch of your innermost sensitive spots, the G-Spot Sacred Gate foremost amongst them. We've personally seen the profound releasing that can happen with healing massage of the Sacred Gate for both men and women. The literature is ripe with story after story of tremendous sexual opening and transformation this way.
We encourage you to read on, drop you agendas about instant fireworks, and commit to gradually explore your hidden recesses. With pleasure as your goal, you may experience amazing Tantric Orgasms right away. Or you may need to slowly release tension from those places least loved through touch.
Either way, the journey is a delight and the destination, a nirvana of Supreme Bliss. Be sure to read the chapter on Yoni Healing. There, women will learn the approach, the attitude, and the techniques for greater opening to pleasure. Always or under certain conditions? Celebrate The Divine Gift Tantrikas celebrate sexuality as the supreme divine gift. With Tantra, sex feels so fantastic when you learn to move out of your mind and into your body fully.
Your body becomes ecstatic when it gets in tune with your spirit. That's why we say it's more meditation than athletics. Though Tantra is not directly about sexual techniques, Tantrikas become better lovers through conscious practice.
Our experience deepens and opens new levels of intimate communion. Through the pursuit of pleasure, we release the issues in the tissues that have blocked our enjoyment. As a result, our erections become stronger, we make love longer, and we experience bigger and more prolonged orgasms. Even more, we experience ecstatic orgasms that take us to greater realms than "normal" sex. Learning the full appreciation of sex teaches us to delight in our bodies and welcome pleasure.
We explore erotic play fully and comprehensively, immersing ourselves fully just as we do with every other part of life. Not so in Tantra. Tantric Sex uses the same body parts and physical actions, but unfolds much differently than the average quickie hurtling downhill towards a sudden explosion. Really, we're not against quickies.
But what if there was something much much better that lasted much much longer? In Tantra, we define S. Tantric S. The Sacred Gate G-Spot is one of those highly energetic erogenous zones that strongly activates the flow of Kundalini energy. Releasing tension and giving in to the urge to climax gets replaced with continuous streaming vibrations of ecstatic energy.
When we enter the altered state of consciousness that comes with orgasm after orgasm, we simply want to float upon a cloud of bliss together. It's open, intimate, and mutual. Sex this way is more leisurely, savoring every delicious morsel of pleasure, instead of rushing headlong towards maximum turn-on rapidly.
It's a dance, not a race. Tantric lovers move so slowly, stopping frequently to settle deeply into the rising tide of pleasure, stretching the experience out as long as possible. It more resembles sampling the delicacies at a gourmet buffet than inhaling a pepperoni pizza during Monday Night Football. It's certainly more like a twilight stroll through a perfumed Spring garden with your beloved on your arm than running a hundred-yard dash.
Loveplay in Tantra is all about feeling pleasure intensely for long periods of time, nothing more and nothing less. It's about building, containing, and circulating Kundalini energy, not losing it. It's about letting the energy unfold and expand, not trying to make something happen. We follow no agenda, set pattern, or programmed stages of foreplay and penetration.
We don't rush through the preliminaries to get to the main act. We don't judge success in the sack by making ourselves or our partner climax. Since we have no goal of giving or receiving orgasm, anything may happen as the mood strikes the lovers. That doesn't mean orgasm is unwelcome or avoided.
And it doesn't mean that climaxes aren't incredibly spectacular in Tantric Sex. The many varieties of orgasm we experience are downright amazing when they overtake us. It just means we let them happen of their own accord at the highest peaks imaginable. Don't Miss The Beautiful Fragrance Of The Roses The problem with being orgasm-focused is that, instead of feeling what you're feeling, you concentrate on a future goal. If you focus on later, you miss the delicious energies building inside you now.
If you're continuously comparing your lovemaking to some imagined mental picture, some earlier time, some hot porno flick, you can't fully appreciate what you're sensing in the moment. Pleasure is now, orgasms come when they come. And they will come. We can't argue with the business practice of setting goals and defining expectations up front. The natural tension of pushing for what you want serves some people as a useful motivator.
But tension blocks the flow of subtle orgasmic energy, the powerful Kundalini force at the root of Tantra's transformative processes. It's distracting enough to be thinking about coming or trying to prevent it too soon. When your mind is intent on your partner's climb to orgasm, you can get dragged down into a severe case of performance anxiety. Then, instead of focusing on feeling good, you spend your energy worrying about how well you're doing.
You get caught up in all those media-hyped standards of how it's your job to make your partner go wild. By ignoring your own sensory input in the moment, you'll severely limit your ability to run sexual energy throughout your body and experience waves of orgasmic bliss.
In Ultimate Ejaculation Mastery, Somraj writes So heighten your senses, feel your feelings, enjoy your pleasure with no agenda, and you'll gradually learn to stay out of your head and into your body. All too often having expectations just create frustrations which you carry into later encounters. Soon, simple enjoyment gets bogged down with all these mental standards and judgments, future agendas and plans.
Instead of thinking, you should just be just playing and having fun. In contrast, the sexual practice of Tantra guides you to shift from orgasm -- where you expect a defined ending - to continuously experiencing orgasmic energy for as long as you choose. When sex becomes a conscious dance of energies, any mystery about what's happening with your partner disappears. If you can picture synchronized swimming with telepathic communication, you'll get some sense of what Tantric Sex looks like.
They recognize that erotic experiences begin within. They know what they like, what they prefer in the moment, and what to pass on during each encounter. They've explored all pleasure triggers and know when and how they want their Sacred Gate stimulated. They ask for what they want, voice their reactions, and give lots of feedback. And they do it in a way that enhances intimacy and contributes to the sensual mood.
Obviously, this kind of authentic interplay requires knowing, accepting, and loving yourself fully. Then you can be scrupulously honest, totally real, and refreshingly transparent with your innermost desires. Which leads to knowing, accepting, and loving your beloved. Partnering Questions Because Tantrikas use sexual play along with raising awareness, we focus on, talk about, and study sex more than the average person.
But we don't plan things out in detail. We learn to look inside, understand what we're wanting and feeling now, and then talk about. And we never do anything to another, even a long-term partner, without their permission. If you know where you and your partner are both at, it's much easier to relax. If you trust that your partner will respect your needs and limits, you don't have to maintain tight control all the time.
In Tantric Sex we often focus on preparations so that we haven't a care in the world during the experience and can become thoroughly spontaneous. That's why Tantric Sex is uniquely a partnership involving mutual consent, energy balance, full participation, giving, and receiving. To make sure, we always start any partnered Tantric practice by discussing three issues We call these the Partnering Questions.
For example, before a sensual massage a woman might ask for During later practices, you'll use them to prepare more specifically. Consider what you've had, what you've got, how it's working, how it's not, plus what you want more of and less of. Include desires, feelings, concerns, frustrations, and fantasies. The more honestly you can do this, the better your coming experiences will be.
The other partner should simply listen, acknowledge, and ask for clarification only if necessary to understand. A minute each is usually sufficient for each question. Tantra So you'll know what to expect, let us introduce you to some of the basic Tantra principles you'll find appearing in this book over and over In many circles, the word Tantra is synonymous with sacred sexuality. How can we make such an outrageous claim?
In part, that's because the original Tantras taught sex as a path to higher consciousness. If you employ your superabundance of sexual energy as fuel for growth, then you'll experience our private definition of Tantra, too -- the fast track to enlightenment. Further, Tantric LovePlay is a way to bring sexuality into harmony with spirituality, making sexual love a sacrament of sacred union.
Your body is a temple that houses your soul. Or if you lean towards the more pagan traditions, the Goddess who is love gave us sex as a reward for honoring spirit. Either way, it's our spiritual imperative to accept this supreme offering and revel in it.
Don't you agree? We connect lust, love, and life force by making love on multiple levels. Tantra is sacred sex because we merge all our energies inside by connecting the sex, heart, and spirit chakras the energy centers up and down the body in line with the spine. And share each with our beloved. Tantra teaches that we're all a reflection of higher powers.
We do it each time we make love or when we're doing other joint practices. Though it just takes a moment and is silent, the intense eye contact creates an intimacy that sometimes leads to exchanging heartfelt appreciation of each other. Purpose To learn a simple way to show Tantric respect for the divine qualities of your partner.
SIT Sit cross legged in front of each other as close as you can get. Comfortably make eye contact. Touch the floor in front of you still making eye contact. Visualize the energy exchanging between you. PART Lean back as you take another deep breath, keeping your hands on your heart. Some like to close their eyes at this point as they take their energy back inside.
RELAX As you visualize energy being returned to the earth on your second out breath, move your hands back down to the floor in front of you and open your eyes. Ritual Engineers An Energy Conversion In India, traditional Tantrikas spent many years under the guidance of a spiritual teacher engaged in elaborate yogic rituals to purify the body and master the mind.
These practices were intended to awaken the powerful psychic energies through which the adept could enter into higher states of consciousness. Only when a disciple was deemed ready did he or she partake in sexual rites with a partner. We don't approach teaching modern Tantric S.
But we approach it as if entering a holy temple on the path to liberation of body, mind, and spirit. Ritual in Tantra is just a way of honoring of each other as reflections of the divine. We choose to look through the outer shell and see into our own and our beloved's inner beings.
Ritual was not part of his vocabulary much less experience. But, of course, love is a powerful behavior modifier. While stricken with infatuation with the Tantric pioneer, Dhyan Jeffre, he surrendered to frequent Tantric ritual. After a few sessions of Tantric ecstasy, the energy itself engineered a conversion.
He said Rather, they were spontaneous motions which created a reverent mood celebrating love, sex, and the abundant joy of the universe. It's a space we choose, take loving care in preparing, and dedicate to the higher purpose of sacred sex. If you don't have a spare room that you can decorate and reserve for Tantric LovePlay, you can create the environment you want in your living room or bedroom. In fact, there's a benefit to setting up each time, as you get to ponder the kind of experience or energy you want to create right now.
It also stimulates your creativity and focus, helping you resist the great force of habit that makes some of us take things for granted at times. What does ritual include? This kind of ritual is simply our way getting ready to fully appreciate the joys of Tantric S. It takes conscious attention to create the mood inside and out.
Remove the distractions, intentionally set up the ambiance, and then your only work is the inner kind. We don't have any strict rites required. Coupled with the eclectic spontaneity of Tantra, there's no right or wrong way to do ritual. You just do what strikes you in the moment, keeping in mind the general guidelines we suggest in the Sacred Space Practice. Remember, you eventually want to do it your way. Don't feel wedded to this program but experiment to discover what feels good to you.
Purpose To practice creating a Sacred Space. Have a remote control handy, if you have one. ALTAR Create a dedicated area as an altar for special power objects dedicated to your love, your guru, your lifestyle, your relationship, etc. CAST OUT We first walk around the center of the space counterclockwise, verbally casting out the energies, emotions, and attitudes we choose to leave out of our space. Closing To close the Sacred Space, we also encourage a short ritual after every Tantric experience, including More than anyone else in modern times, the Indian mystic and spiritual teacher, Osho, is responsible for popularizing Tantra in the West.
For so long, the earth-shaking truths of the old scriptures were inaccessible due to their secret codes and obscure language. Osho translated not just the words but the spirit of living Tantrically. These esoteric Hindu texts were written in the form of a dialogue between the god Shiva and his consort, Shakti.
According to the myth, Shiva and Shakti, the archetypal male and female, created the universe by making love. The physical world sprang from the love juices dripping from their bodies. The union of their energies was needed to create the whole.
Quite a contrast to the tale of Adam and Eve, right? Today, Tantrikas revere Shiva as the pure embodiment of the masculine force culminating in cosmic consciousness, and Shakti as the feminine principle embodying pure creative energy. This isn't worship of supreme beings as in organized religions.
Rather, it's our way of honoring the forces of nature that exist within each of us. We simply use Shiva and Shakti as convenient symbols to focus the growth of our own divine qualities. In short, Tantrikas honor both our inner male and female regardless of our biological gender. Yin Yang Unite Tantra teaches you to revere your sexual partner and to transform the act of sex into a sacrament of love. Tantra teaches that lovemaking between a man and woman, when entered into with awareness, is a gateway to both sexual and spiritual ecstasy.
An essential part of understanding Tantra is recognizing the alchemy of blending female and male energies. The Chinese call these yin and yang. Western society artificially separates our masculine and feminine energies by discouraging the development of the opposite qualities.
You know that men are taught to hide their soft receptive nurturing side and women are traditionally encouraged to hide their forceful leadership and dynamic power. But, truly, we all have both sets of energies and need to exercise them all for a fulfilling life.
Tantra encourages each gender to cultivate the latent forces of the other. If men seek their intrinsic truths on the Tantric path, they'll invariably discover their supple, receptive, sensitive, and vulnerable side, without losing their masculinity. Women will discover their strong leadership, dynamic initiative, and teaching powers while retaining their femininity. These new qualities add to the strengths consistent with our outer gender which we've already learned to exercise.
So what do you think The Tantric answer is to eat whatever floats your cork in the moment. Because to reach the sublime heights of Tantric ecstasy, you need more than technique. Without a deeper understanding of energy dynamics, you might think the best female lovers completely submit to their partners who dominate everything. This is only half right. To be receptive to the powerful energies Sacred Gate massage and ejaculation release, a woman needs to be able to fully surrender to being penetrated, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
This takes courage, strength, and supreme confidence in herself. You see, the receiver is the only one who really knows what's going inside in each moment. To reach ecstatic heights, the woman must guide the experience. She must be so calm and secure in controlling her partner that she doesn't disturb her own reverie. This is the dynamic direction of Shiva energy. Oddly enough, her lover needs feminine qualities.
The giver has to be fully receptive to being led and embrace the Shakti energy. The giving partner, whether male or female, has to willing and able to give oneself fully in service to the Goddess. Give up their own agenda, surrender to whatever happens, and support, nurture, and follow selflessly. Shakti qualities. In other words, the strong and in-control giver must be soft and feminine, while the soft and feminine receiver acts strong and in control.
The opposite of what you might expect. Ultimate success with Sacred Gate stimulation and female ejaculation requires that both giver and receiver excel at performing both Shiva and Shakti roles and be able to interchange them seamlessly. If one can only give and the other can only receive, progress will be blocked. Harmony and balance in male-female polarities are what you're seeking. So you can both surprise the other, lead them to unheard of heights of pleasure, and be able to share the entire ecstasy created.
Worship The Goddess For the ultimate Tantric highs, both partners need to lead strongly and be fully open to receiving. As we've said, modern society conditions men to be strong and decisive, women to be submissive and accepting. Yes, even today. It's often a challenge for both to learn to exercise the strengths of the opposite pole.
This is probably where the popularity amongst Tantric men of worshipping the Goddess comes from. We're referring to revering, honoring, and following the Shakti energy of your female partner here. Undoubtedly, there's some connection with early pagan religions that believed everything comes from the grace of the supreme mother who watches over us. Men, when your heart bubbles with gratitude over the gifts your Goddess bestows on you, when your mind is consumed with giving her pleasure, when your body vibrates ecstatically in unison with her orgasms, you've come to worship this incarnation of the Goddess.
And for women, when you learn what you want, know how to graciously ask for it, and guide lovemaking to reach new and glorious celestial heights, you've truly come into your power as a spiritual sexual being. Accept your self as Goddess, divine in every way. What is outside male is inside female. What is outside female is inside male. By practicing just what doesn't come naturally. Instead of spending your time and energy thinking and debating, use the Tantric way.
The Shiva-Shakti Game is a great way to practice harmonizing both roles. It requires a long period of your life away from work during which one of you fully assumes one role while your partner does the other. You may need to push yourself to assume the role that isn't your conditioned response, taking charge when you're used to following, or supporting when you're used to challenging or modifying your partner's plans. This game is a chance to fully get into one side of the gender spectrum without the guilt that receivers often feel that they should be giving back.
And without the jealous resistance that givers experience focusing on when will they get theirs. Both take you out of the experience, and ultimately will block your ability to reach the highest peaks of sexual ecstasy. In the Shiva-Shakti Game you know full well that the time is limited and you only have to restrict your mind and emotions to one gender energy. You can rest easier knowing that you'll both get a chance to turn the tables before too long. If you accept that your desires are good and you deserve all the pleasure you can absorb, here's a chance to go for it.
When you're receiving, you need ask decisively for what you've always wanted. You need to communicate clearly about what you've been afraid to speak up about. Now you have permission, at least while you're playing Shiva. If you don't make out-of-the-ordinary requests that are at least a little bit naughty, why bother trying to change your sex life? Here's your chance to play out fantasies you've dreamed about and explore the kinds of sexual play you've been intrigued by.
Why not belly up to the bar and go for it? Further, unless you get mean-spirited and exact revenge not an intention of this practice , you don't have to worry about rejection. During the practice, your partner is committed to serving your whims and wishes. Don't be too surprised if your play runs up against the limits to your capacity for pleasure. Resistance may be a feeling of being overwhelmed, overstimulated, bored, or not feeling deserving and worthy.
We suggest, as with all resistance, that you take it easy while you persevere. What turns it on is just the thing that will turn it off permanently. Purpose To practice consciously and willfully fully occupying only one Shiva-Shakti role at a time so you can learn to use them each when you want to.
Don't restrict yourself while you're brainstorming. You're just fantasizing privately now, so there's no commitment to follow through on your daydreams. Regardless of how many wishes you ask for while you're in charge, the practice of your creativity in the pursuit of pleasure is a great opportunity. Everything does not have to be sexual. You can include outings, sports, walks, meals, a game, being bathed or dressed, etc. Having the dishes washed? Dressing your partner up? Receiving an hour of oral sex?
Put your list in the order you want to do them. Be sure to do a Heart Salutation as you settle in. Decide who will go first. Agree on how long you want to play, each of you being Shiva for half and Shakti for half. Though you may want to try just an hour or two to get the hang of it, the profound results come from an evening, a day, or an entire weekend.
What do you want to learn? What are you worried about? Is anything off limits? To officially begin the session, the partner in the Shakti role salutes Shiva by saying something like "Oh glorious Shiva, I offer myself in service to your profound pleasure. Please guide me. Experiment, be creative, inventive, and take risks. You're the king or queen and you have total right to ask for anything that moves you.
Focus on learning to receive. Don't plan everything in advance but be playful and spontaneous. Be sure not to abuse your power but to be kind to your servant who may soon be your dictator. A good ruler is never unkind or abusive to those dedicated to their pleasure. Laud your Shakti with compliments for everything you receive. Remember, by considering the giver's situation you will learn more about how to get what you ask for. Take the profound opportunity to practice the height of the Tantric approach to life: by saying "yes!
In this practice, you get to practice surrender. In this way you can learn about your own inner blocks to giving freely and unconditionally without expecting anything in return. Of course, you're a supporter, not a slave. So you shouldn't accede to anything that would permanently hurt you. Recognizing your own boundaries and communicating them to Shiva is a powerful exercise in personal power.
Officially conclude with the one in the Shiva role saying something like "Thank you, my beloved Shakti, for giving me so much pleasure. Then get back together in your Sacred Space, do a Heart Salutation, and review the experience, answering questions like How did you feel at the time?
You can expand your sacred sexual experience by We've offered several simple practices that you'll find in nearly everything that's coming Open to all the energies of life and your lovemaking will never be the same. Enjoy the transformation that awaits you. The experience of the Shakti might be an inexplicable euphoria, a deep peace, a sense of great love, or an expansion of our own awareness -- so that suddenly we are aware of inner processes that we previously had no idea of. It can because Tantra is about mastering your own energy, the vitality of life.
We mean that inner subtle vibration that's always percolating beneath most people's normal level of consciousness. Everything in the physical universe is in motion due to energy flowing. The cells in our bodies, the blood in our veins, the impulses in our nerves all continuously vibrate inside. Are you aware of it? What causes goose bumps? A chill down your spine? Shivers or ticklishness? Or more directly on our subject, how about that tingly warm feeling in your jewels genitals when you see a luscious specimen of the opposite sex walking down the street.
When we refer to energy in Tantra, we mean the nervous stimulation and physical excitation that causes these feelings. In China it's called chi, in India it's called prana, in Japan it's called ki, in Yoga it's called Kundalini, but it's all energy. We're talking about the same electrical and magnetic life force that pervades all of our bodies.
What Energy Crisis? Being an energy practice above all else, Tantra targets sex because it creates so much energy. Because most lovers feel this kind of sexual energy most strongly just before an orgasm, you'll see us use the term "orgasmic energy. But it's all the same electrical or magnetic stuff in your body.
Regardless of your level of satisfaction with your lovemaking skills, energy is at the root of it. Tantra teaches heightened awareness of these subtler, finer frequencies. Most people don't notice them because their internal receivers haven't been tuned to pick them up.
That's partly why we delight in exploring our senses of taste, sight, smell, and sound as well as deeper appreciation of sensual touch. By tuning our senses, we learn how to summon orgasmic energy, focus on its effects, magnify its impact, and circulate it around the body. To awaken is to become a fountain for others and never stop flowing. So, with any luck, it spreads. We call this moving, running, channeling, or circulating energy. Though they all mean roughly the same thing, streaming is probably our favorite term.
The name refers to opening your pathways to the energy of ecstasy even without sexual stimulation and letting the natural vibrations engulf you. Streaming gives the valid impression of a flood of pleasure coursing through your body, which is what it feels like. When orgasmic energy streams throughout the body, it's as if every cell is coming.
Yes, you feel the same ecstatic experience everywhere. Whole-body orgasm is high on our private list of Tantric delights. When we first started Tantric practice, Jeffre used to have powerful session-ending orgasms. When she learned to stream instead of explode, she started experiencing multiple orgasms. When you know how stream orgasmic Kundalini energy by yourself, then you can exchange it with your beloved. The most intense sexual encounters don't result just from a really hot woman or skilled man.
The pinnacles of sexual ecstasy result from both partners sharing, combining, and building on each other's energy. That's why our definition of S. Why bother learning how to stream? Some say that women are generally more sensitive to energy and can learn how to stream more easily. Maybe so. But , guys, you can feel it, too.
Some of you, like Somraj, can respond intensely to the slightest stimulation with a little practice. Which is the basis of the ancient Eastern secret of overcoming premature ejaculation. You know what happens to guys if all the sexual energy generated through lovemaking stays in their jewels? If all this excitement boils over too quickly, the easiest direction for it to move is out the end of their pleasure stick.
And then vajra penis explodes with a momentary flash of pleasure and a big wet spot, that usually ends the play time for a good long while, sometimes leaving his lover unsatisfied. If he learns how to spread that Kundalini away from his vajra and around his body, he'll feel great all over without a sudden big gush. If you're a man, when you learn to channel sexual energy away from your jewels, you can separate ejaculation from orgasm.
Your arousal can still become irresistible and you can still have those powerful pelvic muscle contractions that feel so wonderful. That's what causes a dry orgasm, a long series of slow pleasurable spasms without ejaculating and with a rush of energy. Instead of exploding, you pump the energy back inside and circulate it repeatedly. We call these "implosive orgasms.
Somraj's personal story in his ebook, Ultimate Ejaculation Mastery, answers that question conclusively. If you or your partner is interested in prolonging your lovemaking nearly indefinitely by using the ultimate solution for premature ejaculation, get your copy now at What are they like?
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